Subtly Blunt....

Sleep oh! Sweet March-Born Child…..

In your darkest hour, the fear haunts you, that feeling which feels like you are at the end of your life. You feel all choked up and that one-minute feels like one hour. And in that one hour, you could actually feel the way things are slowly dissolving within you.

You feel the heat vapours coming out of your body and your skin evaporating. The toxins flowing inside your stomach right from the oesophagus and then the intestines. You realize then how fat you have gotten off late. Even if you want to save yourself, your body, your metabolism , your internal system is just not ready to support you. Give you that one last chance that you kept giving away to others all the time. You could feel the monsters whom you always feared your entire life, are gradually acquiring the control over your body and mind. They are convincing you to give up and fall asleep!

Fall asleep into a sleep which would be the most satisfying sleep of all the sleeps that you have had in the past. A sleep in which you will never have the rush in your subconscious mind to wake up for the next day. A sleep in which you will have no worrying thoughts of you waking someone else coz of your snoring sound. A sleep that will not remind you of all the excess fat that you have accumulated over the past years wondering if it was your feelings that you wanted to eat! A sleep that let you not worry about that beloved friend of yours who stopped talking to you over petty fight. A sleep that will not make you feel the repentance on losing that love which was never yours.

A sleep with the serene peace that you’d always seek! A sleep that will take you away from all the chaos!

A sleep that will just let you sleep!

**Image is picked up from the open source media source

You are your own refuge!

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag, drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin, like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep, six feet under scream, but no one seems to hear a thing?”

I want to say that at some point in time we all relate to that feeling. But I also know that it might not be entirely true. Also coz I know I am an introvert and Katy Perry just struck the right chords for us in those lines!

I am the kind of an introvert who use to love to socialize – the ‘social butterfly’, as they say! But with age, I have learned to accept my traits and not be apologetic towards them. Of Course, I still have my share of struggles.

Small talk is still so very tedious for me, but I tend to enjoy long deep conversations!

But again, voicing my opinion is exasperating at first. But once you break the ice, I will be like an open book! So there, you see, all signs of a typical weird ass Introvert!

And I shit you not – out of sheer experience of being an introvert, one of the biggest challenges that I face is to stand up for myself! Let alone voicing out my opinions in open. I am not sure what exactly paralyzes my brain during such moments, but it sure does happen.

The question on acknowledging one’s identity starts taking a toll on oneself when he/she is matured enough to handle his/her life, yet that person is not seen in the same light by others. This is one way to look at it. But for an introvert like me, it becomes a different level of war altogether.

What’s even more frustrating is that it’s difficult to explain ourselves to anyone. Till they like really reach out to us and beg for the explanation. Also, that never happens!

Even if we do gather the courage to speak up, we just blurt it all out in the most weirdest & cruelest manner that it creates such a negative impact, which we( the introverts), within our heads, were afraid to make!

So basically, we end up feeling even more frustrated coz (a) We just made a fool outta ourselves by projecting to this world “How to be the Vicious Biatch” instead of a simple “Hey, this is what I feel..; and (b) Nobody gets us! Its like case gets closed even before the news is out!

And all this coz we are just trying to save our identity from getting diminished.

**I could so imagine, right now, all my fellow introvert friends be like – “I feel you, brother!”**

Well, to be honest, I too feel ya’ll! But you see, the way I am dealing with it is acknowledging myself to myself! Processing my thoughts within first. Thinking, and then re-thinking and then re-re-re-thinking about it and telling myself that its ok! And then, finally practicing and working towards it. There’s no easy way out of it, we have to push ourselves!

And it works! Bit by bit, you tend to improve at speaking your mind out without feeling guilty about it and without blurting out the green stinking fire!

I have been fortunate enough to have & have met kind-hearted souls in my life who are helping me become a better version of myself! And I hope, for all my introvert friends, they too, shall find one such person! Be it in any form, shape or kind! 😊

May you find the courage to stand up for yourself– “Coz baby you’re a Firework!”

Beyond Words!….

I was visiting Istanbul and was on one of those Bosphorous Cruises on a very cold yet sunny day!

The tour had Spanned by three awe-inspiring suspension bridges and linking the Black Sea with the Sea of Marmara. The cruise arguably offered the finest panorama of this amazing city, bringing to life Asian and European vistas and a shore that is lined with fabulous palaces, stunning mosques and imposing public buildings.

Amongst these never-seen amazing sights, the sight which caught hold of my attention was on the right side of the top floor of the cruise. Two elderly man, in the prime of their old age, one of them sipping on from his Beer Mug and the other one, immersed deeply in the “Lonely Planet: Istanbul”!

I made my way towards them and started a light chit chat with the Beer guy! From a 30 mins talk that we had, I gathered a lot about Turkey, places that one must visit within Istanbul! But the one which remained with me was the fact that his friend and him was around 65yrs! And they have been friends since more than 20+ yrs! And the way he talked about him, just showed how well accomplished he was feeling about this trip with his friend!

And that just got me thinking, not many of us would have such friends who would be with us for so long. Or a friend who has seen us grow into the person that we become and the series of events which made us the person that we are @ that point in time!

I mean, what a pleasure it would be to just refer to some event to someone and discuss about it without having to explain the whole crux in a gist! And the other person would just nod and get it!

I have been friends with my ghurl since past 14 yrs now. And well, I hope to go around with her someday. Around the world! Not to see the world, but maybe to experience the enriching feel of having someone around you when you feel its all over!

And no, this was not the only thing which made me feel this way about our relation! I did feel something cosmic before but just that I wasn’t able to find the right words to fit in, or to describe the crude beauty of it! I did tell to my other friend, that she has taught me the real meaning of love, being there for someone. Something so transcendental that I seek that in my every relation!

We, as human, are very insecure about lot of thing, relationships being on top of that list! Of course, I have had lots of friends in my life and I somehow settled my peace with the fact that once there better half comes, the person is bound to spend or rather invest more with him/her rather than in their respective friend! But my ghurl managed to break this firm belief of mine! I saw the purity with which she manages her relations and it is so damn appealing! I am mesmerized every time she takes me back with the same love!

I have realized that as I grow, not in number but in maturity, the lesser the unwanted and non-raw relations I prefer! Anything which needs efforts from the beginning, feels sucha burden. Reason being, after having experience life for 20 yrs now, its like there’s very lil assurance that one’s efforts would pay off!! And I definitely feel more than just lucky to have her in my life!

Hun, this is a shout out to you. You have a holy spirit of your own! People may or may not recognize it well in time! But blv me, I have high respect for you. And that respect makes me love you more with every passing day!

You are indeed the best that happened to me! I love you to the moon and back!

Also, someday we shall be on that ferry/cruise, cruising in the corner while you gorge on some travel guide and maybe chit chat with some random stranger and I sip on my BEER!!

Amen!!….

Good beyond the woods!….

There’s a language that everyone speaks when they are angry! And there’s an energy that every person emits when they are not.

When you fall in love with some one or you start to feel that he may be the one for you, it is coz your mind is fixated on number of things that you chose to notice in him apart from the basics (looks, body language, dialect etc). You check out for the obvious signs that would make you feel connected to his soul and make him worthy of your hidden treasure (pun intended !)

The thing is, it is human nature to look for “the good” in others. Our basic instinct. And when the sweet summer is over, and Autumn arrives, that is when the leaves starts to fall off the hook/tree! You witness a different side of the very person in whom you saw only good! But you repeat to yourself the words of Jammie Lannister – “Things I do for love!” and let it happen. And there comes a time when your sense of self is at extreme loss and that’s when the words of the real people who have written books on Self-help comes rushing back into your mind – “Be selfish! Love yourself! Be Enough!” And you decide to move on coz you can’t be dealing with the mess that your man is offering to you at the moment! Hence you call it off! Just like that. And you think its a no biggie, coz you have been with him for what 3-4 months off top! Its only convenient for you to walk out at this very moment!

It is convenient. But what’s its not is just! And not from the someone else’s perspective but your inner-self. Every single time you walk away from a deep rooted small connection, you lose a part of yourself in the black hole. You start believing a bit lesser. Whatever happened to the good-old days where people were willing to give other person a chance – when people were still hung over the word called “relationship” and not “Casual hook-ups or something ‘casual’ “.

Yes, this new age world has offered us a lot of things along with the power to be okay with being alone! But along with that, it has also given us the gift of mistrust , and this cynical sense which negates the existence of humanity in humans!

I wonder that whether in this big forest like world, where people are building the invisible fake woods around themselves, the reality which even they don’t know is real or not anymore, will we ever be able to break the shackles and go beyond then what meets the eye!

Able to see the good beyond the woods!

So Dope!!…..

Have you ever had this weird funny feeling where you knew that life is intentionally messing around with you for fun!!…

Like when you get up in the morning and get ready, go to office and everybody keeps asking you ” Aww, you should have stayed at home, do you feel ok?! U don’t look good! ” OR ” What’s with the Monjolika Look!”

It takes me back to the day when I first landed in this new town for my first job – Bangalore! And I usually come with lot of baggage – not coz I carry lot of stuff but my stuff is usually kinda bigger than the normal people and that shit occupies like 3-4 bags of space.

So with that kinda baggage when you board a local empty BMTC bus early in the morning @ 5:30 am, the driver & the TC of that bus also wants to kinda have their share of fun at ur misery of handling yourself along with the baggages!

I wasn’t even done boarding when the driver decided to take off, don’t even get me started settling for seat in the bus. Let’s just say, by the time I reached my destination, which by the way was 15 kms away from the place that I boarded the bus, I had a Essel World’s ride experience and was just in time to collect all my baggages (which also had the same experience while feeling all the corners one on one of the bus , the whole time) and be ready to climb out of the bus.

And no, it didn’t stop there, the saga still continues! When I declared to my crush that I find him cute and he told me that his wife would be really happy to know this! Or the next time when he took the initiative to talk to me 🙂 !

To tell me that his wife & him are having a baby!

The best part about such events happening in your life frequently is that you kinda lose track of the fine line of self-worth & self-respect! And for some reason, in today’s world it is considered to be “Dope”!

Well, atleast that’s how I fool myself these days or few others !

Bumbling around Tinder!

Online dating apps are the latest fad these days! I wonder what makes such idea thrive in the market even though all I have heard about such apps, from their very own users, is that its “not worth it”!

So I thought why not find out. And what better way to explore a system than be a part of it! So I created my profiles on different dating apps. Now just to make entriely sure, I am not here for marketing any one particular dating app, I will avoid naming any one in particular.

The good part about these apps which I liked was that I could be anyone I wanted to be! Although I never used a fake identity for my profile, but the very possibility gave an insecure girl like me, a sense of calmness that I can disappear or can be someone nobody knows…. 🙂

Well, I met lot of guys here. I wouldn’t say all of them wanted to get down to the “business” right away. 1% of the guys I chatted/talked to were fun and very real! We talked about work, our fears, our happiness, our past, our present very smoothly. And it would be beautiful until we both come to a realization that he ain’t getting what he secretly hope for ( the business) and I ,too, am not getting what I , obviously repeatedly and foolishly enough, hope for ( hope for this to get real).

Every. Single.Time! And for the records, it hurts equally bad everytime.

So I stopped with my little experiment. Deleted all my profile. And I came up with the rationale that when you are on those dating apps, you are bound to be tagged with words like ‘Overthinker’ ‘Emotional’ ‘DTF’ and even the sanest guy, with all due respect , would want you to go that road , respectfully!

I am noone to claim if that’s right or not. But as I said before, it sucks so bad when you meet a legit guy and it ends the same usual way! You are left hanging in the middle , hoping that he might call back or something.

To some this may sound desperate and to some, this might sound like their own story. But I just wonder, isn’t finding love a need of a human?! Its not gender-bound. Then why wouldn’t someone want to work out on something so almost-real!